Xbox 360 Game News, Reviews, and Columns - XboxFocus

Five Games the 360 Needs

by Alex Yusupov June 24th 2008 1:24 AM CDT1 Comments

Imagine a uni-consular (new word I decided to create just now) world, my friends. One gaming system, one only. One with the capabilities of the Xbox 360, the Wii and the Playstation 3. Gamers could simultaneously look forward to the release of games like Gears of War 2, Super Smash Bros. Brawl and Metal Gear Solid 4, and only need to spend a few hundred dollars for a single console. Fanboys would no longer exist, at least not to such a great extent. PCs and consoles would be joined into one mega-plutonium-powered-sex-driven-machine of ultimate gaming prowess.

Now let reality sink in, because we will never see that, nor would we want to. On a practical level, having one console to rule them all (allusions are fun!) would just result in whatever company manufacturing them monopolizing the market. You think paying $59.99 for a game is tough? Imagine having to pay that much for a mediocre arcade title!

However, it would still be interesting to see how some of the most popular games on Sony’s and Nintendo’s systems would look like on Microsoft’s Xbox. (Saying that almost sounds like “Microsoft Sexbox!!) I have compiled a list of five great blockbuster titles from today as well as the days of yore and transformed them to fit the flow and demographic of the 360. Let the countdown begin!

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This one is obvious. Xbox fanboys have been dreaming and ejaculating Metal Gear since the title was announced, only to have their hopes trounced when it was confirmed as a PS3-only title. This is the most obvious port on this list; so obvious, in fact, that it doesn't even need changing. The game would fare off perfectly well as it is right now for the 360 demographic. While this game is perhaps much more wanted than the others on this list (for some, at least), it weighs in at number five simply because this game doesn't NEED change, it just needs an Xbox 360 case (and sex-scenes). Weighing in at numero quatro is the highly addictive fun of Mario Kart DS. The difference between this one and the original, besides better graphics and interface, is the addition of several new characters and courses. Nintendo’s formula was amazing, but if we are to find ourselves playing this on the `Box, we need to rectify some issues. First and foremost? We need a story here, people! Why the hell do Mario, his friends, his enemies, and weird transsexual creatures jump into go-karts that have the uncanny ability to shoot bananas, spiky shells, and turn into deranged bullets of doom? I propose a bit more gore, as well as real-time, visible damage to the Karts, a la Jak X: Combat Racing. Anyway, back to the story.

Bowser has just kidnapped Peach (again) and is offering her as a prize to the winner of the International Bowser Grand Prix. Various competitors join in on the action, for various reasons. Waluigi, for example, is in dire need of a wife. Wario is hoping to make some bucks after he sells her back to Mario, and Mario…well, he just wants some of his long-deserved action, and he doesn’t want to pay Wario for it. Throughout the game, Bowser becomes attached to the princess and secretly decides to keep her to himself, letting the Grand Prix contestants’ feud among each other continue while he makes his escape. Before he can get away, however, the character the player chose to race as catches up with him, resulting in one final “chase-race” where said contestant has to gun down Bowser as he traverses different courses. Depending on who you play as, the ending will vary. If Wario wins, for example, he “rescues” Peach and sells her to Mario, who is more than happy to get her back. Our story begins with the same infamous cut-scene that the original starts with: Cloud is riding a train to whip some Shin-Ra ass and destroy a Mako reactor. However, gone is the turn-based action of before. The game is now an action-RPG. You gain experience, find weapons, etc. just as before, but the combat is done a la Kingdom Hearts. No Disney characters here, though, this game is all badassity (another new word, compliments of yours truly). In fact, it’s so badass that as soon as you blow up that reactor, you meet the busty babe Tifa Lockhart. What’s an Xbox game without a sex-scene? A Wii game. And this here is no kiddy-fiesta, because she has sex with you. You get to see it, too. Tifa’s boobs are bigger as well, and Aerith wears a bikini instead of that pink dress-thing she had before. The gore factor? Raised. No more Lego-looking polygons of blood here. Of course, the amazing story and musical score remain, but now there is a great line of voice actors acting out each character’s specific role. Oh boy, this one is gonna be fun. Any self-respected Xbox junkie has played the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. Imagine that with less crappy storytelling and terrible voice-acting…and obviously no more demons…or stupidly laughable gameplay…okay so just imagine the expansive world of Oblivion, but instead it is the four regions of Pokemon: Kanto, Johto, Sinnoh and Hoenn. Running around the fields are wild Pokemon. To capture one, run up to it to engage in a battle. Some Pokemon also attack you on their own accord. Trainers may spot you and run up to you for a battle, others may shy away and will require you to challenge them yourself. Gone are the 10-year-old assholes of older Pokemon titles. Pokemon 360 introduces new 18-year-old versions. The guy is buff and manly, ready to kick some ass while the chick is busty and beautiful. Like I said before, what’s an Xbox game without a sex-scene? That’s right, you weird pedophiles and lovers of tentacle-sex may rejoice, because now you can have sex with Dawn. (Too bad she’s older [and legal] now!) Finally, number one! At number five we saw what Mario Kart might look like if it were ported to the 360, but what about one of the greatest and most original Mario platforming adventures? Well, for starters, we would fix up the graphics. That doesn’t mean make it brown and grimey, it just means MUCH more details in the backgrounds in terms of texture, as well as things like a destructible environment.

The Xbox controller would be much easier to use than the clunky N64 remote, or the odd and annoying Wiimote, making controlling Mario much more tight and efficient. The story would also see a touch-up. Much like in Mario Kart, there will be a lot more actual story going on here aside from “hot bitch stolen by dragon-rapist, rescue for sex, repeat for life.” Seeing as how we covered the technical side of things, let’s delve deeper into the neo-Mario storyline.

Mario begins his quest in Brooklyn, New York, fixing up toilets and whatnot as your run-of-the-mill plumber. During one job, him and his brother Luigi accidentally overflow a toilet. As the water is piling up, the two brothers make for the door, only to find it closed. They scream for help, but they know that the couple that live there are out to lunch. The water is slowly filling up, and soon, the two helplessly drown and the screen fades to black.

We then take control of Mario, who awakens in an odd, colorful world. He gets up and looks at the sky. A little distance away he sees a huge castle. As he enters, he is confronted by weird, toad-like creatures and is taken to see Princess Toadstool. She is, of course, smoking hot, and Mario instantly falls in love.

Over the course of their time together and Mario’s helping her do various tasks around the castle (this can be the games “tutorial” to introduce players to the unique controls and abilities Mario has), Mario begins to notice something unusual about the paintings in some of the rooms. When he decides to investigate, he falls into one. Stricken with shock, he “completes” the level when he finds a Power Star, giving him more unique power (Power Stars now increase various stats, like HP, Strength, Agility, etc.). He is transported back to the castle, only to find Peach missing and the castle servants running around frantically.

After a little investigation, it is found out that an evil demon named Bowser has kidnapped her. Mario promises to get the love of his life back, and that’s exactly what he does. Over the course of his adventure, he reunites with Luigi, who went through a circumstance similar to Mario in a neighboring kingdom (where he meets Daisy, blah blah blah).

The two finally find Bowser, who succeeds in escaping their custody when he summons for Koopa troops and two men named Wario and Waluigi. Mario and Luigi escape and now have to stop these two odd characters as well. They set out to find Wario, who, upon admitting defeat, goes against his boss’s wishes and tells Mario and his brother what is going on. When Mario and Luigi died in the real world, they were transported to an alternate universe.

In this universe, Earth was invaded by an alien race called the “Koopas” sometime in the middle ages. The Koopas did various scientific experiments, created various new life forms (such as the Goombas) and eventually began to take over the world. Human technology remained at a standstill, but a few kingdoms were able to stay under their own control, away from the wrath of the evil Bowser. Wario and Waluigi are Mario and Luigi’s alternate selves in this new universe, “evil twins” if you will.

The three go find Waluigi, who refuses to betray Bowser, afraid that the Koopa will kill them all anyway. He tries to escape but trips and falls into a lava pit, where he is burned to death. (The bastard always crept me out in previous games, he deserves to die!)

The trio find Bowser again, and take him down this time around. Peach is finally rescued. While the four are returning home, however, they are attacked by Koopa troops. Mario and Luigi instruct Wario to take Peach to her castle while they ward off the troops. Peach and Wario escape, but Mario and Luigi are gunned down and killed.

Mario awakens in a hospital in Brooklyn. He turns to find his brother Luigi still unconscious in the bed next to him. He recounts his ordeals in this “alternate universe” but resorts to the fact that it was all a dream, despite how real it seemed.

A nurse comes into the room to check up on the two. Mario opens his eyes again only to find himself staring at Princess Toadstool. She smiles and says “our work is yet to be complete, Mario.” Cut to the credits.

Epic, no? But this is exactly what Xbox games are: EPIC. There is also an alternate, Easter-egg ending that would involve a sex-scene. Like I said before, it’s not an Xbox game unless it has one. Unfortunately for you, it involves Birdo and Yoshi and not Peach. Life sucks, doesn’t it?