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What I loved about Microsoft's E3

by Zack Rovinsky July 22nd 2008 9:00 PM CDT3 Comments

I’ve been told by the people who pay me that my first column here was a bit too negative. I’ve also been told essentially the same thing in very different words by the people who got a hold of my email address. That’s why I want to turn it around and do something positive, if for no other reason than to prove I’m not the bitter shell of the person I used to be before high school.

What better a thing to speak highly of than Microsoft's big shindig at E3. With all the AAA titles, AA names, and forced wackiness on display there was something for everyone. If I didn't enjoy all that I might as well give this up and start writing about the stock market.

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1. Don Mattrick's hair.
2. Cliffy's stylish red controller.

3. Song announcements in very small print.

4. How our correspondant, Dick, was assigned to cover "Lips".

5. Uptight white-collar executives doing well rehearsed "loose and fun-loving" routines.

6. How much Rare seems to like Microsoft. Being purchased and whipped tends to do that. “We gotta work hard to make massa sum Banjo-Kazooie”.

7. That adorable Japanese man at the end.

8. The way the adorable Japanese man pronounced "Europe".

9. How the long-range shot of the stage always included the top of Adam Sessler's head. Thanks G4.

10. How Epic stuck to their artistic vision and didn’t give Dom a personality.

11. How Resident Evil 5 will allow you to kill Africans online with actual people from Africa.
12. How Fallout 3 allows you to carry around everything you will ever need to kill anything.

13. How I can now enjoy Uno without the paper cuts and fistfights that mar the real life game.

14. How I’m in love with that song.

15. How no one’s going to get that reference except me.

16. How it introduced me to the music of British sensation Duffy, who I have now upgraded from “never heard of” to “indifferent”.
17. No dog kicking or spouse killing from Peter Molyneux. He must be taking something to calm him down.

18. How they still think people want to watch movies on a game system.

19. All the pretty lights and sounds.

20. The bit appearances by important industry people who really should have something better to do. I’m looking at you GLADoS.

21. How avatars will allow us all to exaggerate our attractiveness without need for carefully worded lies or carefully angled cell phone camera shots.

22. How well Shane Kim speaks English, it’s amazing what those Asians can do when they put their minds to it.

23. The sandwich I ate while watching it. Turkey, by the way.

24. How no one executive at one of the biggest companies in the history of human civilization has the force of personality to do a press conference on their own.

25. How Microsoft is trying very hard to be like Nintendo for no apparent reason.
26. How everytime I took a bathroom break I never missed anything important.

27. How a dashboard update now means much more than a little hula dancer or an air freshener shaped like a crown.

28. How the luminaries of the industry continue to go above and beyond by walking, talking, and playing games at the same time.

29. A distinct shortage of British accents.

30. How we now know when we can buy stuff.

31. How the ‘New E3” made the conferences much more important than they would have been 2 years ago.

32. The well-trained audience, who did a tremendous job of coordinating their oohs and aahs to high points in the presentation.

33. How the conference will now be posted on the highly touted video download service that no one uses.

34. How I didn’t get to go.