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Fighting Games for Dummies

by August 2nd 2008 3:08 PM CDT0 Comments

With the release of Soul Calibur IV, recently I've noticed a lot of people saying "I want to get into them, but I just don't get fighting games." As always I'm here for you; so feast your eyes on my beginner's guide to various fighting games. I didn't include Guilty Gears and King of Fighters because no one gives a fuck. Enjoy!

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Tekken

For the uninitiated, the best way to grasp Tekken's gameplay is to imagine a present day Muhammed Ali and Michael J. Fox duking it out in a battle to the finish. Tekken's gameplay is so stiff that fence posts around the nation have threatened to go on strike. Tekken's characters are so robotic that the one robot in the game is actually one of the smoother characters. When Pandora opened the box, Tekken was the first thing to emerge. Legend has it that Tekken was originally Japan's response to the atomic bomb, but at the time they opted to surrender as a showing of mercy to the Americans. It was pretty fun back on the PSone though.


Virtua Fighter

Virtua Fighter is what Tekken tries to be and fails. It's also for the elitists nerds who use terms like frame advantage and half circle backwards in real life. Fun, but you have to have a high tolerance for button combos and boring characters.

Dead or Alive

If there's one fact of life that's withstood the test of time it's that men like breasts. Big 'uns. Despite years of refined sophistication and civilization, the old instinctive lust for mammary glands is a hard thing to overcome. One man realized the effect carried over with pixelation and decided to use this to his advantage. Tomonobu "Sexy Beast" Itagaki decided to take Virtua Fighter and add boobs. No one complained. Four games later and the only thing I know about DOA is that it has a lot of boobs, and apparently this is all I have to know. Developer Team Ninja has an entire whole office building in Japan dedicated to unrealistic yet erotically satisfying boob physics. So, if you like pixelated boobs and don't care about all that gameplay stuff, DOA is the series for you.

Super Smash Bros

Smash Bros is not really a fighting game in the traditional sense, it's just called one so grown men can justify playing as pink, bubbly, creatures and anthropomorphic animals. Critics of this claim will say that there is "fighting" in the game and thus it is a fighting game. With this knowledge I've come to the conclusion that the only three genres in video games are fighting, adventure, and puzzle games.


Revelations aside, Smash Bros has such mass appeal because it awards you for your amazing nerdy lifestyle. Imagine all the love my buddies showered me with when I recognized the Saki Amamiya assist trophy from Japanese import game Sin & Punishment. "Jaleel, you're so awesome. I wish I spent half as much time playing Nintendo games as you.". One day my friends, one day.

Street Fighter

If you disregard NES Boxing, Street Fighter II was the beginning of fighting games as we know them today. One-on-one bouts with multiple player choices had many a gamer huddled around arcade cabinets back in the day and the gameplay was so solid Street Fighter II remains one the best fighting games ever and is worth a pickup if you still haven't played it (just don't use Chun Li. She's one cheap bitch).

Street Fighter also gets the award for greatest uses of stereotypes in a game franchise ever. White dudes are military men or dictators, black guys are boxers or smiling reggae dancers, and the only Native American is a warchief. Equality and good times for all. Also, whereas other fighting games are known for cleavage on their lady fighters, Street Fighter instead opts for thighs that would make a kangaroo go "DA-YUM". No complaints from this man.

Soul Calibur

The Soul Calibur series is currently my favorite because it offers solid gameplay and boobs/thighs to boot. Luscious video game babes like Ivy, Taki, and Yoda is what keep me coming back for more year after year. With the create-a-character I can play dress-up with style (You all should see my Gambit. He's fabulous).
The games are also amusing because like my exes they constantly ramble about something resembling a storyline and I pretend to care.


Soul Calibur is particularily fun because Namco clearly doesn't give a fuck. It's as if one guy in a meeting room just spouted out: "You know what would be cool for the game? Star Wars characters." Another goes "But we'd have to explain why lightsabers cannot slice through weapons and adjust the storyline to suit them. The ramifications of what you're implying are astronomical!". A chorus of "YEAH, FUCKING DO IT MAN!"s follows.

This is why Soul Calibur is awesome. Don't think I forgot about those readers who are illiterate, here's a quick graph to help spell it out: