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The Xbox Guy

As the great Reggie of Nintendo would say "Hey, my name is Steve. I like kicking asses."

In case you didn't know, my name is Steve Wysowski, and my job is to run this site to the best of my ability, but my other job is also to maintain this column for your enjoyment. Here I will share my inner most thoughts about this wonderful world of gaming every few days; and hopefully give you all a few laughs as well. Besides my usual updating, once a week I'll throw you some links, some podcasts, and some other bits of information that I know you're gonna like. I'll also run review blogs as I'm reviewing a game, giving you some information for those specific games that you simply can't wait for a review to get some info on. If you have anything to say to me, send me a message to Steve@XboxFocus.com

Column Day: Friday

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Columns List

• Fallout 3: Prepare to be blown away.

  by Steve Wysowski September 13th 2008 11:33 PM CDT60 Comments

  When it comes to my impressions on pre-released games, you can pencil me down as a cynic. After having my expectations trampled, spat upon, and raped so many times in the past, I have come to the conclusion that if I convince myself that every game with a release date is going to piss me off, I'll enjoy it much more than I would have thinking anything else. Since I've implemented this theory into work, I haven't been disappointed by a game in a long, long time, and since I tend to like enjoying the games that I buy, this is a status I would like to maintain.
  
  Well, too bad Bethesda doesn't give a shit about my streak. No matter which way I slice it, I am knees-bent over Fallout 3. I cannot stop drooling over every Fallout 3 screenshot, video, and news releases that reaches me, and my addiction to any and all Fallout info can be compared to that of a cocaine addict's.
  
  
  
  
  The game has firmly held me with the grip of anticipation from the moment I set eyes upon it, and I account this to the fact that Fallout 3 is the "perfect storm" for a gamer like myself: longtime fan of Bethesda, lover of open-world games, and post-apocalyptic storylines are a personal fetish (I really enjoyed "I am Legend", even though I put into practice the same "everything is going to suck" policy for movies as I do video games). When you mix all of that gaming divinity together, and then toss a bunch of what can only be described as "Bioshock-esque controls" on top, you have a nominee for "Best Game of All-Fucking Time" in my opinion.
  
  
  Hell, I have been in love with Fallout 3 since the first moment I saw rendered footage of it so I guess the term "love at first sight" could be best used to describe my feelings towards the game (and yes, I'm completely aware that I am talking about a video game in the manner you’re supposed to do with those creatures called "women").
  
  So what it is exactly that has me so excited about Fallout 3? While I could make this my first one-word column by jotting down the word "everything" and calling it a night, I'm pretty certain my readers want a bit more substance than that. So in light of that, here's a small list of particular aspects of the game that has me pulling out my pubic hair in anticipation (my crotch area is so red lately that I woke up yesterday morning believing I had herpes).
• Why Halo 3 Underwhelmed

  by Steve Wysowski August 21st 2008 2:58 PM CDT21 Comments

  Due to a message from one of my readers (in which he derailed my self-proclaimed "Xbox Guy" moniker), I've been playing loads of Halo 3 over the past week. So much Halo 3, that Martin O'Donnell just recently mailed a degree in Halo Fanboyism to my doorstep.
  
  According to the reader in question, I cannot possibly call myself "The Xbox Guy" if I have not even completed the Xbox 360's biggest game: Halo 3. After all, Halo 3 was just about the biggest thing to come from Microsoft since Windows, and to ignore such an important component of the game as large as its campaign would be blasphemy on my part. Nonetheless, as per my usual arrogance and narcissm, I ignored the poor bastard.
  
  Then it struck me: the guy was right. For some particular reason, I could never properly finish Halo 3's campaign. Sure, I played a ton of Halo 3's multiplayer offerings (and loved every second of it), but so did every other Xbox 360 owner who has heard of something called "de internetz". So, in order to live up to the standards of my cognomen, I decided to try another go at the game's campaign, on legendary (imagine trying to swim with no arms while pelicans are nipping at your balls; that's legendary).
  
  
  
  
  The past week I strenuously went into the depths of Halo 3's campaign. After long and exhausting nights of battling Brutes, flood zombies, and the rather perverted attractiveness of Cortana's ass, I came out of Halo 3's campaign with a feeling many hype-induced gamers couldn't have had eleven months prior: underwhelment. That's right Halo fanboys: underwhelment. Meaning I stared at the screen after the final fade-to-white cutscene and said "What the fuck?".
  
  This second proper go-around with Halo 3 reminded me why I could never finish the game in the first place. For all the hype, excitement, leaks, and even arrests that built up Halo 3 prior to its launch; the game's scope simply did not live up to all of our expectations (or to the rest of the game for that matter). It just didn't feel right, and for a game with so much weight carried on its shoulders, it should have overpowered me with wonderment.
  
  So what exactly made Halo 3's campaign so flat, so forgettable, so underwhelming? Here is a little list detailing all of the gripes, problems, and the sheer flagrancies that made Halo 3 what it was.
• Stop Moaning About the RROD

  by Steve Wysowski August 8th 2008 3:22 AM CDT16 Comments

  Last month, my 360 decided that I wasn't worthy enough to be playing video games on it anymore (yeah, it went all Charizard on my ass).
  
  While those three glaring red rings initially made my head shrivel into my neck socket, I soon came to my senses. Microsoft has slowly been improving with their "oh-shit-our-bad" repair service. When my first 360 blew up, it took about two weeks to get a new one, and when the following system crashed, it took about a week and half to return. So, when I put to use something called "erithamatik", I predicted my fourth 360 would arrive in about a week.
  
  And what do you know? After sending my 360 in on a Monday, I got it back the following Tuesday: only seven frickin' business days. Not too shabby, aye? Not only did I get my 360 back in record time, but Microsoft has finally figured out that any random cardboard box can hold a broken 360! That meant there was no extra time waiting for them to ship me a specialized "360-only" box. Life felt good, and a big change of pace occurred: I was finally starting to appreciate Microsoft's customer service.
  
• The Madden Dilemma

  by Steve Wysowski August 1st 2008 2:06 PM CDT2 Comments

  When the video game industry first began to peek it's head out of the hell hole that was the E.T. induced 1983 crash, some bimbo came up with the hypothesis that if a man were to blend a decent football game with an NFL license, mountains upon mountains of cash would spontaneously appear in his lap. After Tecmo Bowl proved that the idea was not only fruitful, but pure genius, more and more NFL franchises spawned, and this fusion of the NFL and video games become synonymous with high expectations, bragging rights, fountains of variety, and an untapped level of pure fun. Then came 2005.
  
  Three years removed from EA's embezzling of the NFL license, I can confidently say that this guy:
  
  
  cares more about this:
  
  
  than anything related to video games or the Madden franchise. And these guys:
  
  
  care more about these:
  
  
  than the quality of their video games.
• My E3 Hopes and Dreams

  by Steve Wysowski July 12th 2008 11:04 PM CDT4 Comments

  Last year's Microsoft E3 Press Conference left me with two meditations: 1 - Every one of G4's staff members should receive the “Last King of Scotland” treatment and then have their mutilated corpses hung to dry (except Olivia Munn, there's a spot on my mattress reserved for her). 2- That's it?
  
  While Microsoft's presentation was wrapped in an edgy presentation hosted by Benedict Arnold- err… Peter Moore, the content that the conference boasted was eerily shallow. The company seemingly transformed what is meant to be an annual showcase of titles veiled under cloaks of mystery into one bloated commercial for games we already knew everything about. It was like me showing you a year-old teaser trailer for The Dark Knight and then expected you to go apeshit over it.
  
  I'm not sure why Microsoft chose to advertise their games at such an event like E3. I say this in light of the fact that the only people actually watching the conference are either:
  
  A) People working in the industry either through media coverage or game development.
  B) Financial cunts.
  C) People who check the gaming blogosphere more often than Paris Hilton goes to the gynecologist to check for new STDs.
  
  The only substantiated unveilings that came out of last year's charade were some oh-so-minor news about the Halo franchise’s future (through some live-action featurettes that served the same purpose as a sedative) and a short (apparently racist) Resident Evil 5 trailer. Even though by my standards the latter shouldn't even be there, because A) we heard about the game a year prior and B) it has an ETA of "hopefully sometime before you die".
  
  The upcoming 2007 lineup was clearly clogging Microsoft's attention span at the time (can't blame them: Halo 3, Bioshock, and Mass Effect were all on the way), and while every year's holiday season is something we all wanted to delve into during the show, the opening press conference should have focused on 2008 and beyond. Now that 2008 is half over, and another E3 just on the other side of the horizon, millions of gamers are wondering just what the hell to expect in 2009. Even though I have a Masters degree in omniscience, I can't tell you that: only Microsoft can. However, here's what I'm hoping for out of Microsoft's 2008 Press Conference:
• Stop Overhyping Games

  by Steve Wysowski June 25th 2008 12:37 AM CDT5 Comments

  The anticipation level amongst gamers leading up to the release of Halo 3 can be compared to the spectacle of seeing a pack of wild dogs salivate over a caged slice of filet mignon.
  
  Invariably drooling over the slab of beef at hand, even those who might prefer chicken over steak were so taken astray by the other dogs' slobbering that they too decided to join the orgy of augury. However, when the cage's lock busted open, and the canines dove into the outer crust of the meat teeth-first as if they were owned by Michael Vick, they soon comprehended that the meat tasted less like a tender, juicy cut of filet and more like the feces that is excreted from their own asses (or colloquially known as dog shit).
  
  Most of the canines realized that perhaps the brawn wasn't as luscious as expected, and chose to move on, gaining some valuable life lessons in the process. Some however, chose to ignore the taste impacted on their tongues and just go with their rudimentary instinct based around their original level of anticipation, and have chosen to lie to themselves everyday by eating their own excrement. These dogs can be translated as Halo fanboys, and any plans of assimilating them to everyday society is as hopeless as trying to get them to stop screaming into my microphone on Xbox LIVE.
  
  My point is that Halo 3 didn't quite live up to the expectations we all had for it. Actually, saying that Halo 3 just didn't live up to expectations is like saying Jamie Lynn Spears turned out to be what every guy over 18 hoped she would be (a hotter, saner version of her freakishly fat sister). It was a colossal flop (except to those who eat their own feces).
  
  However, most of the blame for Halo 3 shouldn't be thrown directly at Bungie or Microsoft, for they aren't entirely at fault. When you look back at the game now, you can easily substantiate that were it not for the large amount of hype hrown onto the Halo 3's shoulders (that made its knees snap in twain), the game may have been much more enjoyable. Would we enjoy the original Halo if we all expected it to be the best thing ever since sliced bread? I don't think so, and for that matter, I don't think we could enjoy anything in life if we had such expectations of grandeur for it. I'd rather have something good surprise me than have something great merely satisfy me any day.
• Your 360's Summer of Dreams

  by Steve Wysowski June 1st 2008 9:14 PM CDT15 Comments

  Since virtually the Big Bang, game publishers have feared releasing video games during the summer as much as this little girl fears coaster attractions:
  
  
  
  
  While summer has invariably appeared to me as an integral time for gaming (most gamers occupy their entire summers lying dormant in their cave-like rooms as everyone else basks and wallows in the beautiful weather outside), developers seem to believe that theories like mine can go piss off. I presume that there is too much of a gap between now and Christmas for a developer to release anything worthwhile, and what we are usually left with is a game that can fit into one of the following three categories:
  
  A) Absolute clusterfucks which produce the same effect as would having your pubes shaved with a machete.
  
  B) Games that developers aren't too certain with, and are too apprehensive to release them during the holiday season. The game inevitably ends in either category A or gets infinite "diamond in the rough" (i.e. The Darkness).
  
  C) Bioshock.
  
  Needless to say, I planned to go into this summer with my rudimentary train of thought as I have had every year. But yesterday, as I went scouring through IGN's release date page (which is in dire need of an update) like a drug detecting dog digging through Ricky Williams' pockets, an epiphany of sorts materialized to me: this summer is going to fucking rock!
• Gears of War 2 Multiplayer Thoughts

  by Steve Wysowski May 26th 2008 1:57 AM CDT12 Comments

  Gears of War 2 articles have been dominating my column lately, and I know some of you guys may be getting a bit sick of it, but what am I going to do? It's just how the cookie has been crumblin' lately, and with the recent leak of information regarding the game's multiplayer it only seems necessary to chime in with my opinions. What has been taken from the magazine isn't too detailed, but a lot of information has trickled in. I've jotted down ten or so points about what I've seen thus far, and I'm getting pretty damned excited for this game. Be warned though: love, hate, fears, and a crap load of congestion (my nostrils feel like they just got raped by this bug I've come down with) awaits all who enter.
  
  Oh, and I've scattered some high-res scans of Gears 2 from the magazine all across the article for your viewing pleasure. Aren't I the best Xbox Guy of all time?
• The Xbox Links: Part Uno

  by Steve Wysowski May 21st 2008 12:50 AM CDT3 Comments

  Once a week, The Xbox Guy will present The Xbox Links; a showcase of links, videos, podcasts, and whatever else he can find that can help satisfy your Xbox gaming needs. What is included can vary from some cheats, glitches, achievement tutorials, some cool videos, captures, funny clips, and anything else he believes is worth your time. So in a nutshell: expect the unexpected.
  
  So I've had a rough month as far as my real life is concerned, which has effectively put this feature I had planned for quite some time on the backburner. Now that I have finally found some room to fit this into my schedule, I'd like to say welcome to The Xbox Links: Part Uno. I think you're going to enjoy this feature, as like most of you, I too aimlessly surf the internet, hoping to find some diamonds in the rough that can offer me some entertainment or information. So as the caption above states; once a week I'll bring you some interesting links and videos from across the web; offering the tips, shocks, and laughs that may be going around the Xbox community. Hope you enjoy, and I'll try to bring you some rather varied crap over the course of feature's life span.
• A Call of Duty 4 Wishlist

  by Steve Wysowski May 20th 2008 12:40 AM CDT2 Comments

  Since the game's release in November, Call of Duty 4 has taken up a good portion of my life. In my personal view, the game is the epitome of a modern shooter, and is currently the most enjoyable game to play with a group of friends online; and that is across all genres and platforms. While it may lack some of social networking features Halo 3 brought to the table last September, it has made up for it with some of the industry's best gameplay. That is why the game effectively did what we all considered to be the impossible at one point or another; it stole away Halo 3's top spot on the Xbox LIVE rankings. And the game fully deserved it.

  The simple gist is this: Call of Duty 4 iwas last year's largest surprise, and is in my opinion, the most complete shooter that I have come across this generation. Still, there is no such thing as a perfect game (unless that game is called the "Ocarina of Time") and there are some features that I wish Call of Duty 4 would have boasted. It may be hard to ask for more to possibly come out of such a complete package, but after playing the game to death, I'm starting to run out of fuel in the tank.

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