Xbox 360 Game News, Reviews, and Columns - XboxFocus

My E3 Hopes and Dreams

by Steve Wysowski July 12th 2008 11:04 PM CDT4 Comments

Last year's Microsoft E3 Press Conference left me with two meditations: 1 - Every one of G4's staff members should receive the “Last King of Scotland” treatment and then have their mutilated corpses hung to dry (except Olivia Munn, there's a spot on my mattress reserved for her). 2- That's it?

While Microsoft's presentation was wrapped in an edgy presentation hosted by Benedict Arnold- err… Peter Moore, the content that the conference boasted was eerily shallow. The company seemingly transformed what is meant to be an annual showcase of titles veiled under cloaks of mystery into one bloated commercial for games we already knew everything about. It was like me showing you a year-old teaser trailer for The Dark Knight and then expected you to go apeshit over it.

I'm not sure why Microsoft chose to advertise their games at such an event like E3. I say this in light of the fact that the only people actually watching the conference are either:

A) People working in the industry either through media coverage or game development.
B) Financial cunts.
C) People who check the gaming blogosphere more often than Paris Hilton goes to the gynecologist to check for new STDs.

The only substantiated unveilings that came out of last year's charade were some oh-so-minor news about the Halo franchise’s future (through some live-action featurettes that served the same purpose as a sedative) and a short (apparently racist) Resident Evil 5 trailer. Even though by my standards the latter shouldn't even be there, because A) we heard about the game a year prior and B) it has an ETA of "hopefully sometime before you die".

The upcoming 2007 lineup was clearly clogging Microsoft's attention span at the time (can't blame them: Halo 3, Bioshock, and Mass Effect were all on the way), and while every year's holiday season is something we all wanted to delve into during the show, the opening press conference should have focused on 2008 and beyond. Now that 2008 is half over, and another E3 just on the other side of the horizon, millions of gamers are wondering just what the hell to expect in 2009. Even though I have a Masters degree in omniscience, I can't tell you that: only Microsoft can. However, here's what I'm hoping for out of Microsoft's 2008 Press Conference:

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Pray to God that last year's opening didn't start a trend for Microsoft, because if it did, expect a musical number featuring Marcus Fenix and Dom Santiago singing Gloria Gaynor's "I Will Survive" to kick off this year's E3.

While Corporeal's performance last year was needless to say, interesting, it was as akward as Master Chief and Cortana's romance (how the fuck do Halo fanboys take that shit seriously?). There was no reason to begin such a "professional" summit with an amateur band's performance. Well then again, I guess we gave up on professionalism in this industry once Cliffy B chain sawed his way through a projection screen at GDC.


Gears of War 2 is not Halo 3, so if half of this year's showcase consists of lavishing Gears of War 2, then it seems that once again Microsoft has put the distant future on the backburner. All I need to satisfy my Gears cravings is a brief gameplay demonstration and perhaps one trailer fleshing out the story a bit more. That's it. This leaves more room to talk about games we haven't really seen or heard much about, and that's what we want from E3: variety. I'm positive Microsoft's planned five million-dollar marketing campaign will fulfill any other Gears of War 2 needs once it kicks off (cog-shaped burgers at Burger King sounds scrumpcious).

Since MS fundamentally bitch slapped Nintendo fanboys across the globe with acquisition of Rare, there hasn't been any major steals conducted by the company. Since nabbing any Nintendo exclusives is practically impossible due to the Wii's lack of third-party exclusives, Sony seems to be the prime target. While fully taking an exclusive would be great bait to shove into the faces of Sony fanboys, simply having one of the currently Xbox-boycotted franchises available for the 360 would suffice my cravings.

A Square-Enix title would be the ultimate choice, primarily for the sheer fact that Microsoft lacks as many Japanese titles as George Bush does brain cells. Just hearing the proposition of the rumored Kingdom Hearts 3 on the 360 has given the kid inside of me an epic orgasm. Of course Final Fantasy XIII is the big fish Microsoft should be going after, but seeing Final Fantasy XIII on the 360 is as likely as anyone losing more than five pounds from Wii Fit.


Two antonymic views have been swirling in my head in regards to the Halo Chronicles that Microsoft has been keeping under tight watch. On one end of the spectrum you have my personal belief that whenever Peter Jackson touches something, gold dust spreads outward from his palms. On the other hand, I just can't come to terms with a Halo game that will not have Bungie's involvement. Plus, anytime the word "chronicles" is used to label a new sector of a franchise, the word "shit" spontaneously comes to mind.

The mystery behind the Halo Chronicles isn't helping either. That's why Microsoft needs to answer our questions; like what the hell is Peter Jackson's involvement? Who is the new protagonist. Will Master Chief make an appearance? I'm sure you can find many more by typing the words "halo fanboy" in google, but that's a whole other column.


Gameplay footage would be appreciated as well, since Microsoft can't go a major summit without revealing something Halo related. Then again, they could always just throw together some cheap Halo 3 downloadable content at us, which I'm kind of expecting.

I'm not sure if Remedy has been giggling while they have been fucking me over the past three years, but I know I'm not enjoying it. Not only is my ass more chopped up then a steak at a Benihana, but my yearning level for the Alan Wake is starting to run dry. Hell, you can only salivate so much over three clips of footage for a seemingly decade's worth of development.


Remedy has promised a 2008 release but they also did that with 2007, so I have taking every assessment they make with a grain of salt. Yet still, I have a strong feeling that we will get a lot of information this year, because Microsoft needs to push something big for 2009. This is 2009's biggest game, and Microsoft knows it. E3 is the perfect time to show it, and if they don't, I'm going to start washing my hands of anything Alan Wake. Enough is enough already.
When Gears was first revealed, I remember saying to myself something along the lines of "yeah, that's going to be sweet". Microsoft has already published a bunch of first-party games, and some of them have been great. However, none of the Microsoft's endeavors have ever reached popularity as Gears or Halo. It's time we add a third name to that group. Microsoft should definitely get something new and fresh for their platform. Hell, if Nintendo can have so many beloved franchises like Metroid, Mario, Zelda, Kirby, and countless spin-offs, why can't MS get me excited about adding a third one to complement Gears and Halo.

I do think there is a greater plan behind this year's delay. While I could be wrong (most likely I am, Microsoft tends to ignore the blogosphere as much as Kevin Smith ignores salad bars), the folks at Microsoft seem to have something ready under their sleeves. Whether it's giving us the features we all have been wanting for (group chats, multiple game invites, less lag on the interface), a facebook-esque social networking feature or revamping the dashboard into something completely different, now is prime time for a major Xbox LIVE change. LIVE is the center of the Xbox 360's appeal, and while it's advantage over the PSN has been dwindling (but by no means has been surpassed, please, this isn't the Apocalypse) one more major update can get Xbox LIVE skyrocketing again.

I have my priorities set in stone for this E3. I want to see a lot of 2009, I want to learn a bit more about 2008, and I want to see Microsoft take a crack at revealing the (preferably awesome) unknown. A repeat of last year’s presentation would suck royally, and the fact that my 360 just got bricked has left me restless as is. Now, I'm not requiring everything that I mentioned to be there leave me satisfied, but as long as Microsoft is within the same ballpark as me, I cannot see how you couldn't be excited for the 360's future.

Let me say this though; if Alan Wake does not make an appearance, I’ll have Dick Ward, our E3 correspondent, throw bags of shit at all the people attending.