Xbox 360 Game News, Reviews, and Columns - XboxFocus

Your 360's Summer of Dreams

by Steve Wysowski June 1st 2008 9:14 PM CDT15 Comments

Since virtually the Big Bang, game publishers have feared releasing video games during the summer as much as this little girl fears coaster attractions:


While summer has invariably appeared to me as an integral time for gaming (most gamers occupy their entire summers lying dormant in their cave-like rooms as everyone else basks and wallows in the beautiful weather outside), developers seem to believe that theories like mine can go piss off. I presume that there is too much of a gap between now and Christmas for a developer to release anything worthwhile, and what we are usually left with is a game that can fit into one of the following three categories:

A) Absolute clusterfucks which produce the same effect as would having your pubes shaved with a machete.

B) Games that developers aren't too certain with, and are too apprehensive to release them during the holiday season. The game inevitably ends in either category A or gets infinite "diamond in the rough" (i.e. The Darkness).

C) Bioshock.

Needless to say, I planned to go into this summer with my rudimentary train of thought as I have had every year. But yesterday, as I went scouring through IGN's release date page (which is in dire need of an update) like a drug detecting dog digging through Ricky Williams' pockets, an epiphany of sorts materialized to me: this summer is going to fucking rock!

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I'm not fully certain why this year was chosen as the one summer to rule them all. Maybe it was leftovers from 2007's immaculate holiday season or maybe it was something a lot less noteworthy. But whatever, I'm not going to moan. This is a summer in which I can actually buy a few 360 games that weren't made with the lights turned off; and just being able to make that claim is something else in it's own.

So, incase you were going into this summer with the same philosophy as I did, here's a quick rundown of the season's lineup that should give your 360 enough gameplay to undoubtedly contract an RROD. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

June is usually the least shitacular of the three summer months, and while the month may not have some of the blockbusters that July and August possess, this June certainly looks considerably better than May did (which has set a new milestone in horrendousness with Ironman at its forefront).

The month kicks off with Ninja Gaiden II being released this Tuesday. I've been looking forward to the game’s debut since the words "Ninja Gaiden II" reverberated in my ears, the way a sound reverberates in a cave. I adored the original Ninja Gaiden primarily because it had every desirable quality associated with games involving ninjas. A kick-ass main character? Check. Tons of bad guys who resemble the Puddies from Power Rangers? Check. An insane difficulty level that had me break as many controllers as Keven Federline has done condems? Check.

Despite the fact that pre-release reviews have been giving the game some less than exemplary scores, I'm still quite fevered for the game's release (and we all know the 10-point review system sucks anyway). Moreover, the review copy at question reportedly contained so many bugs that it is probably what Ninja Gaiden II would play like if you first beat the disc with a screwdriver. Honestly, if you're up into well-rounded action games, Ninja Gaiden II should suit your likings very well.

Some of you may have played 2007's Colin Mcrae's DiRT (his roflcopter went sleic sliec sliec). If you are one of those lucky souls who have had a chance to play the game, you undoubtedly remember how you might of jizzed your pants after your first viewing upon your television screen (what, that was just me?). That is what DiRT primarily was: a pinnacle of gaming eye-candy.

GRID is expected to produce a similar effect, and I'm not expecting anything less from it. Sure, you could say that forcing a game to live up to the expectations of making me jizz my pants is rather crude or of an aberration, but I honestly don't give a flapping fuck. If I don't receive some kind of euphoric experience from GRID's visuals, well then pencil me down as disappointed. But up until that point, GRID is on my "games to buy immediately" list. Oh and yes, I know: I just judged a game completely by its visual appeal, sue me? I can like shiny things too.


But surprisingly, June doesn't stop there. You have a new Dragon Ball Z fighter expected to release in the middle of the month, which actually resembles something like the cartoon series its based around. A first for the DBZ video game series, and that should give Anime fans some reason to get off their perverted hentai websites. In addition, Battlefield: Bad Company will be making its way to consoles, and while I have always believed that the Battlefield series boils down to a subpar FPS with some kick-ass vehicles thrown into the mix, I am more or less willing to take in anything that will get my ass off Call of Duty 4 for at least a week.

Finally, Guitar Hero: Aersomith comes at the cusp of the month, and while it's starting to appear to many that that the Guitar Hero franchise is converting into as much of a sell-out as every franchise EA has ever produced, the fact that Aerosmith is making an appearance in a video game is enough to give this game a chance for many.

July is usually the time when we are force fed games that were designed by developers with no arms, but as stated before, this July seems to have have told all the other Julys to go fuck themselves. Rather than a complete, utter drought, we will instead be treated to such AAA titles as Soul Calibur IV, Unreal Tournament III, and Sid Meier's: Civilization Revolution, as craved by gamers alike.

While it seems that everyone and their mom is going berserk over Soul Calibur IV and the fact that Yoda is making a roster appearance (it's "Sonic in Brawl! ZOMFG!" all over again), I'm not caring too much for it. To tell you the truth, I have never put much faith into a fighting game (any game that can have an experienced hardcore gamer like me lose to someone “mashing” every button at once isn't exactly my desired taste). Oh, and that green little bastard can go fuck himself too.

Yes I know, I may be coming off a bit brash (a bit may be an understatement). If I had to be perfectly honest, Soul Calibur IV will most likely be an awesome game. It's just that I’m not inclined to die for it as some other gamers are.

As for Unreal Tournament III, I have been able to play the game on both the PS3 and the PC, and with that being said, its pretty much a matter of fact that the Xbox 360 version will mostly resemble the PS3 model. Sadly though, this is just one game that just wasn't designed for consoles, and while I'd love to believe that Epic has spent the past seven months fixing the game, I'd also like to believe that my dog Buster's corpse isn't rotting in my parents' backyard. Give them a break though, they are overly busy making sure that Gears of War 2 is bigger, better, and more badass. Can we blame them?

The third game I mentioned, Civilization Revolution, is one game I'd be willing to remove my left testicle for (that's the one that doesn't work as well as the other). I have only played one Civilization game so far (and I don't plan on playing one between now and its release), but I came away from the game as delighted as a Nintendo fanboy who just got to see Miyamoto in person. While I can easily see this game getting "lost in translation" as it attempts to bring its PC-based gameplay over to consoles, I can't see it being too difficult (then again, the only video game I ever developed was some shit obstacle course in Forge).

Once August rolls around, even more games will be reaching their ways to Xbox 360 disc drives. Madden makes its annual appearance, and while EA may be masking this game as being "revolutionary" when compared to last year's outing, like every other year, it will probably be the same fucking game repackaged, reshipped and resealed. What’s new? Still, if you're head over heels obsessed with the NFL, or you're dieing for a quality sports game, Madden NFL 09 is your best bet.

The summer's two biggest blockbusters, Too Human and Mercenaries 2, both come out later in August. Too Human has been a game on many people's tracking list (not mine, but many others), and Mercenaries 2 will probably wind up offering a good amount of fun (despite the fact you're first going to have to put your brain in a pickle jar before you play it).

So that's this summer’s lineup in a nutshell, and luckily for us, that's no peanut-sized nutshell (it's more like Macadamian sized, or perhaps Pecan.). While it isn't inconceivable that I may just be busting your balls and all of the games mentioned above turn out to be complete and utter dog crap (same could be said for every game ever produced), I doubt it highly. You should be able to find at least two or three games in the dozen or so that I mentioned above that can hold you over until the holiday season comes rolling around in full force.

If you can't, then perhaps it's yet another opportunity for you to put down the bag of Funyuns and go enjoy the lovely weather outside. You're looking pale as it is.